THE BEST AND WORST WOMEN TO HAVE SEX WITH:
Sex makes the world go round. It’s the fuel to the fire behind your raging hormones through your teen years, the vein of your social exploits during your twenties, and the motivation for success for the rest of your life. While some men get too much of it and others will never know the joys of nights in between the sheets, sex pushes men to do very peculiar things in pursuit of “the gushy.” Unfortunately, not all sex is good sex. You can go ahead and inflate your ego because you swear you’re the second coming of Ron Jeremy, but there have been just as many wins as losses in the sex column. Before you go out tonight and try to pounce on everything that comes across your peripheral, take a moment to assess if the squeeze is really worth the juice. Dinner, drinks, car service, parking, bottles, cannibus; every expense incurred to get that pretty young thing back to your house adds up. Discerning a good deal from a bad deal is an ability you must hone and be able to implement in every facet of your life.
THE BEST OF THE BEST…….
Typically, it is implausible to generalize an entire ethnicity. But when it comes to Latina women and sex, there is no denying a superior skill set. From foreplay to intercourse, these women clearly are ten steps ahead in their sexual evolution. We’ve said it a million times before: if a woman can dance like she’s been an extra in multiple Beyonce or T-Pain music videos, then she will be able to hold her own in bed, literally. The amount of confidence and passion they demonstrate in bed is one of the most humbling experiences we’ve ever come across. These are the only women that can keep a man’s attention for six hours straight. Most sexual encounters have us heading to the couch after 12 minutes of selfishness, but when encountering a woman who takes skillful control, you may find yourself calling out of work for a couple of days. However, with the good must come the bad. That same passion that kept you sweating atop a bare mattress for the last six hours can turn on you on the drop of a dime. You’ve been warned. Hell hath no fury like the wrath of a Latina woman scorned.
There is sex, and then there is love making. They are two completely separate universes, which one cannot even fathom until seeing the stars on both sides. Although we’re not sure if we even have sex while on Molly, there is definitely a lot of passionate love making. What’s the difference, you ask? It’s a little hazy to remember, but you definitely wake up in a room littered with empty Vitamin-C packets, orange juice, water bottles, and lotion – shit went down. Don’t ask, but we’re pretty sure that this is what R-Kelly was talking about this whole time.
Unprotected sex = falling in love. Each and every time we go in raw, we could have sworn to God that we may have found the one. There’s no rhyme or reason or foundation to these claims; but damn it, we turn into hopeless romantics whenever we neglect the Trojan. As if we were in our own rendition of Dear John, we cannot help but start to catch feelings for (insert her name here). Unprotected sex is just inexplicably better. And while it tasted clean, God only knows the truth. The only true form of safe sex is abstinence… And sometimes anal.
Your ex-girlfriend’s best friend:
Tupac said it best, “revenge is the sweetest joy next to getting p*ssy.” There is an amazingly sick satisfaction that you get when you conquer your ex-girlfriend’s best friend. Perhaps the second most gratifying feeling after taking a company public, putting down the best friend allows all the angst of your broken relationship to find a release. Let’s be honest; you’ve had it all messed up from the very beginning. There is nothing worse than dating a girl only to find out she’s the least attractive one in the group of monsters she calls her besties. You wanted the best friend since day one, and you know what? So did she. Good for her. Any delusions that you had of getting back with the ex are now null and void.
Let’s get the facts straight here. The reason we respect escorts is because truthfully they are the most honest women we know. You can lambast them and demean their profession as much as you desire, but hey, at least they’re not cheating on their boyfriend with the best friend like you, right? Typically the traveling porn stars or high-end escorts on Eros.com will allow you to get what you paid for. An evening with the girl of your fantasies, dressed in all lace and straps from Agent Provacateur in those 9″ glittery Louboutins beckoning your every command. This is what you’ve always wanted! We suggest you pack some Cialis, as the last thing you want to do is spend $3,000 on a 10 minute experience. No matter how good she is, there always comes a sobering moment right after you’ve finished your deed. You can’t help but be overcome with a sense of shame and disgust which almost makes YOU feel like the whore. It’s weird, we know, but the feeling is inescapable. Like all things you do in pursuit of earning scratch marks on your back, it seemed like a good idea at the time. We can’t say that this will be the first or last time we call up Brianna Banks off of Eros, but we’re definitely getting two girls next time. That should cure any sense of shame.
THE WORST WOMEN TO SLEEP WITH……
So you want a model? Not the shitty internet models you find on Tumblr or Model Mayhem, but the gap-toothed gazelles from Norway you met during Milan Fashion Week. Did you know one could be too tall and skinny for sex? If you’ve ever wondered what sex with a model is like, just watch an NFL referee during a touchdown. Holding ankles high above your head is not sexy; we feel like we’re on a damn jungle gym. It’s like having sex with Skeletor’s hip bones, and this is the only instance in which being a selfish lover is completely necessary. Get in, and get out. No matter how tempted you are to start wooing these women, please turn and walk the other way. There is NOTHING more dissatisfying than sex with a model.
Women on coke AKA COKEHEADS:
The white powder might keep her up all night, but please do not touch that shit! You will have a lifeless penis for hours on end. The best case scenario is a hand holding cuddle while you lie there embarrassed. Trying to reenact your favorite Tony Montana scene is quite hazardous. It just doesn’t go down like that in the real world.
Although barely legal girls are supposed to be the holy grail of women, we humbly disagree. The truth is that 18-year-olds are clueless in every facet of life, and if she is skillful, God only knows how long this ass has been tapped. That nullifies the whole reason you wanted an 18 year old. These “dead fish” are rhythm less and have no pleasurable or redeeming qualities. Call us when you’re 21.
The Homie Hopper:
She’s been passed down the assembly line of your friends time and time before. And although everybody tells you to steer clear, you can’t help but find yourself locking lips with her in the bathroom stall. Let’s just make something crystal clear; she used to date Larry Johnson from the Kansas City Chiefs and Channing Frye from the Phoenix Suns. Trust us; you just cannot satisfy her. It’s like throwing a penny into a cave praying that you hit a wall–she won’t even know you’re there. Your hand would better serve her pleasure, trust us.
White Girls from America:
It’s hard to classify Caucasian girls into one generalized stereotype, That is, until you get them into bed. If you have ever had sex with a white women from Germany or Ireland then you know that white women in America are totally different then white women from anywhere else....especially in the bedroom.They may be able to deliver a shriek-filled performance worthy of any Kayden Kross scene, but the truth is, unless she’s in the adult film industry or just got her duel citzenship, her talents are best served on Facebook.