College is an experience. It truly is what you make of it, and your experience can be as enjoyable or miserable as allow it to be. If it is your ambition to become dependent on Adderall and be a bookworm for four years, you can do so. If it is your ambition to pound beers back with the frat bros and gain the “college 40” after surpassing the “freshman 15”, you can do so as well. And if you ensure that you have the best four years of your life and party as if it’s the 70s again, you can absolutely do that too. College is just as much of an institution of learning as a raving lifestyle. Our parents think we’re learning, but we’re really attending university to party, do drugs, lose our virginities, and have sex–massive amounts of sex. Between the ages of 18 to 22— our most sexually active period–we become consumed by our hormones. Throughout your college experience, between all the sex you are having and substances you’re consuming, are going to be a vast number of women that you decide to temporally visit, for a night, an hour, 1 month or even 2 minutes if you are one of the faster fellas. Here are the different types of girls you will bang in college.
The Party Girl:
You won’t have to put forth much effort for this one because she’s just as down for the deed as you are. She’ll probably be one of the first girls you bang on campus, as you can close the deal by simply buying her a warm beer and a lemon drop. She’s most likely from a small town and has always been controlled her whole life. College is her coming out party where she shows off her free spirit and the ability to just let loose. The sex will most likely be extremely sloppy, unfortunately. After the first instance, you probably should not come back for more unless you’re obliterated and on plan Z. Ease of access is a sure thing until she gets a boyfriend mid junior year and says “I don’t do that anymore”. But trust us; she won’t be changing her ways any time soon. Rating: 47%, the sloppiness and chances of a clinic visit are quite high.
There is nothing more exciting than acquiring a nice freshman girl in college. Not only is she naïve and unaware of what’s about to happen the next four years, but she will love you just based on the fact that you are older. By senior year you’ve probably been with your entire year, so it is time to trend lower. The fruit only ripens once. What she lacks in experience she will make up in blowjobs. Rating: 80%, there is nothing like getting them early.
The Jewish Girl:
The Jewish girl is like a double edged sword. In the beginning it is all blissful, but the relationship rapidly turns terrible ends when you’re watching her eat hummus and gossip about how much she “hates” all her friends—Sarah Kloppenkleinberg, Mary Moskowitzstein, and Sue Silversteinbergman. She is probably a member of the SDT of AEPhi… you know, the Jewish sororities. But there is one major problem with these girls–they will fall in love with you, cause drama and try to introduce you to their parents, the Klotz. Rating: 53%, the sex is great; the aftermath is terrible. As the old saying goes: Don’t get a STD from SDT.
The hopeless drug addict is a girl we all at one point or another find ourselves lying next to. Smoking weed happens more than 3 times a day, cocaine is a Thursday and Friday night routine, Molly and ecstasy are a necessary any time Avicii or Aoki are performing at her university. You will most likely find yourself doing these drugs with her. YOLO, right? The best is waking up and seeing she still never went to sleep because of the amount of yay she snorted. The sex does get sloppy, as sometimes the drugs make her think she can do things she absolutely can’t. The thought of going on a ecstasy and orange juice binge for a week straight seems like it wasn’t a good idea in the first place. Rating: 69%, it will feel great for her, but mediocre for you.
Your College Girlfriend:
At some point in college you will feel the desire to settle down. Easy there, Casablanca. You will have a girlfriend at some point. It may last a week, a month, 6 months or maybe even a year. (Tip: It should never surpass a year.) You have your whole life to have girlfriends; why have one and miss out on the party going on next door? But I guess the one benefit is the sex will be great and consistent. Rating: 81%, you must really like her to be dating her so the sex must be great. It will get repetitive after the third week though.
The Girl with a Boyfriend:
The girl who has a boyfriend is a challenge you must take on. As men, we love a good challenge. We all come across this girl in college. You try your hardest day in and day out, and every time you think you’ve clinched it, she says, “I can’t, you know I have a boyfriend”. Sweetheart, this isn’t a Disney movie where your long distance relationship will last. But keep faith; with enough perseverance you will close the deal. Just catch her on a night she is fighting with her boyfriend. Rating: 68%, her phone might not stop ringing due to her boyfriend stressing over where she is, and this could be quite a distraction. Relish in the aftermath because it might only happen once.
On any campus you’re almost certain to come across those insanely hot, blonde haired, blue eyed southern girls. As a New Yorker, they may not be in your circle of friends, but they are a welcome change from the typical nightlife junkie you’ll meet up here. She will have an amazing accent and say “ya’ll” instead of you all. There is nothing like getting Becky from a good old fashioned Becky. Rating: 76%, these girls may be smoking hot, but apparently in the south they don’t teach rhythm as well as they do in the north. Must be the water they’re drinking.
The chick you wish you didn’t hit:
It could be the teacher, the TA, your friend’s girlfriend or the big girl from Australia, but nonetheless throughout your sexual experiences in college there will certainly be a few bumps in the road. It could be the girl that left you with herpes or the girl that you may have gotten pregnant. Yes, we all make mistakes, and no one ever comes away clean after college. Rating: 30%, it will feel great at the moment, but terrible the next day. Not your brightest hours, that’s for sure.
Yes, college is a sexual roller coaster that allows you to experience women from across the country at the height of their promiscuity. College is the last point in your life where popularity triumphs, as after women are looking for financial stability and maturity, not your stupid Frat t-shirt. Enjoy it while you can and make the best out of every girl you bang in college.