HOW TO RECOVER FROM A ONE-NIGHT STAND LIKE A BOSS!
Rise and shine, you beautiful elite man! Wait — who the hell is that? Oh, right, it’s the lovely co-ed who you stumbled home with at four in the morning. Try to recall last night, when you invested time in seducing her with your charm and charismatic demeanor, witty world insight, and tequila-infused make out sessions–all these events occurring at the renowned Provocateur while under the influence of Alacran, no less. Add that to your list of accomplishments. Now, what’s your next move? Obviously, you want to create some necessary distance from this reminder of the previous evening’s shameful, almost hedonistic indulgences. You’re most likely disgusted by the fact that you hardly knew each other and the conversation barely surpassed idle chitchat. Follow these tips to ensure a safe recovery from a one night encounter.
Be sure to get rid of the condom: We believe you must hold good values and use morality as your guide in your decision-making. Nonetheless, we have all likely had one-night stands with some less-than-wholesome individuals whom we must certainly question the morality of. Some women with malicious intentions have done some rather shady things to unsuspecting men. Promptly dispose of the condom—preferably, flush it down the toilet–and make sure there are no messy remnants at the scene. We have witnessed the tragic fall of a male go that left himself susceptible to a manipulative individual. Following oral sex, this woman collected his semen in her mouth and, unbeknownst to him, used it to impregnate herself later. Her payout for bearing his child was an outrageous 40 million dollars.
Tell her you have an appointment you need to rush to: Unless she’s already taken the initiative to depart before you awake, you can speed up this process yourself. Inform her of an early urgent appointment that you must prepare for, making it imperative that she leaves promptly. You’re not a douche — you’re just busy! It’s important to be considerate of her feelings, as she’s likely as embarrassed last night’s events as you are. If she has already begun putting on her clothes while mumbling something about ibuprofen, this line is not needed.
Don’t expect a girlfriend-like experience: Remember, you guys barely know each other and she was likely entertaining you for the same reason you were entertaining her. Thus, pretending to be affection and spooning all morning is likely as annoying to you as it is to her. However, if you’re expecting to be woken up with a morning bj, you will most likely be disappointed. She’s perspiring booze, just like you. She wants to brush her teeth and get on her way. Wake-up sex is commonly reserved for those who’ve spent more than one night together.
Hide everything: Be sure to take all your valuables such as jewelry, cash, and other luxurious items and hide them in your safe or an alternative private location. You can never be certain of the intentions of a stranger you let enter your dwelling, especially after only knowing each other for a few hours. Trust us, if you have yet to exchange names and she sees your diamond encrusted Jacob watch lying on the nightstand, the mischevious ones would certainly grab it in a heartbeat. Your insurance won’t cover stupidity.
Help her get home: Whether it’s calling her a cab, walking her out, or giving her a lift home, be a gentleman and help her prevent the obvious walk of shame. Keep in mind that you shared a night together, and it will be difficult for her to navigate her way home from a foreign location while hung over, nauseous, and lacking sleep. If you’re lacking couth and too lazy to leave the bed, at least give her a $20 to ensure her ability to get home.
Ask her for her phone number and tell her your girlfriend is coming over soon: Even if you’re still questioning your sober compatibility with her, be sure to take down her phone number. This is assuming you aren’t completely regretting your encounter with her. Who knows what the future might hold for you two? It never hurt to have additional friends you can call on when you’re having a slow night.
Plan B: If you were extremely lackadaisical the previous night and decided to forgo the condom, be sure to provide her with a morning after pill. You must ensure that you don’t receive any unexpected phone calls informing you that you’re a father. In future cases, be sure to remember to use your prophylactics.