Thursday, August 23rd 2012
THE BEST AND WORST WOMEN TO HAVE SEX WITH!
THE BEST AND WORST WOMEN TO HAVE SEX WITH:
Sex makes the world go round. It’s the fuel to the fire behind your raging hormones through your teen years, the vein of your social exploits during your twenties, and the motivation for success for the rest of your life. While some men get too much of it and others will never know the joys of nights in between the sheets, sex pushes men to do very peculiar things in pursuit of “the gushy.” Unfortunately, not all sex is good sex. You can go ahead and inflate your ego because you swear you’re the second coming of Ron Jeremy, but there have been just as many wins as losses in the sex column. Before you go out tonight and try to pounce on everything that comes across your peripheral, take a moment to assess if the squeeze is really worth the juice. Dinner, drinks, car service, parking, bottles, cannibus; every expense incurred to get that pretty young thing back to your house adds up. Discerning a good deal from a bad deal is an ability you must hone and be able to implement in every facet of your life.
THE BEST OF THE BEST…….
Latina Women:
Typically, it is implausible to generalize an entire ethnicity. But when it comes to Latina women and sex, there is no denying a superior skill set. From foreplay to intercourse, these women clearly are ten steps ahead in their sexual evolution. We’ve said it a million times before: if a woman can dance like she’s been an extra in multiple Beyonce or T-Pain music videos, then she will be able to hold her own in bed, literally. The amount of confidence and passion they demonstrate in bed is one of the most humbling experiences we’ve ever come across. These are the only women that can keep a man’s attention for six hours straight. Most sexual encounters have us heading to the couch after 12 minutes of selfishness, but when encountering a woman who takes skillful control, you may find yourself calling out of work for a couple of days. However, with the good must come the bad. That same passion that kept you sweating atop a bare mattress for the last six hours can turn on you on the drop of a dime. You’ve been warned. Hell hath no fury like the wrath of a Latina woman scorned.
Mollys:
There is sex, and then there is love making. They are two completely separate universes, which one cannot even fathom until seeing the stars on both sides. Although we’re not sure if we even have sex while on Molly, there is definitely a lot of passionate love making. What’s the difference, you ask? It’s a little hazy to remember, but you definitely wake up in a room littered with empty Vitamin-C packets, orange juice, water bottles, and lotion – shit went down. Don’t ask, but we’re pretty sure that this is what R-Kelly was talking about this whole time.
Free Birds:
Unprotected sex = falling in love. Each and every time we go in raw, we could have sworn to God that we may have found the one. There’s no rhyme or reason or foundation to these claims; but damn it, we turn into hopeless romantics whenever we neglect the Trojan. As if we were in our own rendition of Dear John, we cannot help but start to catch feelings for (insert her name here). Unprotected sex is just inexplicably better. And while it tasted clean, God only knows the truth. The only true form of safe sex is abstinence… And sometimes anal.
Your ex-girlfriend’s best friend:
Tupac said it best, “revenge is the sweetest joy next to getting p*ssy.” There is an amazingly sick satisfaction that you get when you conquer your ex-girlfriend’s best friend. Perhaps the second most gratifying feeling after taking a company public, putting down the best friend allows all the angst of your broken relationship to find a release. Let’s be honest; you’ve had it all messed up from the very beginning. There is nothing worse than dating a girl only to find out she’s the least attractive one in the group of monsters she calls her besties. You wanted the best friend since day one, and you know what? So did she. Good for her. Any delusions that you had of getting back with the ex are now null and void.
Escorts:
Let’s get the facts straight here. The reason we respect escorts is because truthfully they are the most honest women we know. You can lambast them and demean their profession as much as you desire, but hey, at least they’re not cheating on their boyfriend with the best friend like you, right? Typically the traveling porn stars or high-end escorts on Eros.com will allow you to get what you paid for. An evening with the girl of your fantasies, dressed in all lace and straps from Agent Provacateur in those 9″ glittery Louboutins beckoning your every command. This is what you’ve always wanted! We suggest you pack some Cialis, as the last thing you want to do is spend $3,000 on a 10 minute experience. No matter how good she is, there always comes a sobering moment right after you’ve finished your deed. You can’t help but be overcome with a sense of shame and disgust which almost makes YOU feel like the whore. It’s weird, we know, but the feeling is inescapable. Like all things you do in pursuit of earning scratch marks on your back, it seemed like a good idea at the time. We can’t say that this will be the first or last time we call up Brianna Banks off of Eros, but we’re definitely getting two girls next time. That should cure any sense of shame.
THE WORST WOMEN TO SLEEP WITH……
Models:
So you want a model? Not the shitty internet models you find on Tumblr or Model Mayhem, but the gap-toothed gazelles from Norway you met during Milan Fashion Week. Did you know one could be too tall and skinny for sex? If you’ve ever wondered what sex with a model is like, just watch an NFL referee during a touchdown. Holding ankles high above your head is not sexy; we feel like we’re on a damn jungle gym. It’s like having sex with Skeletor’s hip bones, and this is the only instance in which being a selfish lover is completely necessary. Get in, and get out. No matter how tempted you are to start wooing these women, please turn and walk the other way. There is NOTHING more dissatisfying than sex with a model.
Women on coke AKA COKEHEADS:
The white powder might keep her up all night, but please do not touch that shit! You will have a lifeless penis for hours on end. The best case scenario is a hand holding cuddle while you lie there embarrassed. Trying to reenact your favorite Tony Montana scene is quite hazardous. It just doesn’t go down like that in the real world.
18 year-olds:
Although barely legal girls are supposed to be the holy grail of women, we humbly disagree. The truth is that 18-year-olds are clueless in every facet of life, and if she is skillful, God only knows how long this ass has been tapped. That nullifies the whole reason you wanted an 18 year old. These “dead fish” are rhythm less and have no pleasurable or redeeming qualities. Call us when you’re 21.
The Homie Hopper:
She’s been passed down the assembly line of your friends time and time before. And although everybody tells you to steer clear, you can’t help but find yourself locking lips with her in the bathroom stall. Let’s just make something crystal clear; she used to date Larry Johnson from the Kansas City Chiefs and Channing Frye from the Phoenix Suns. Trust us; you just cannot satisfy her. It’s like throwing a penny into a cave praying that you hit a wall–she won’t even know you’re there. Your hand would better serve her pleasure, trust us.
White Girls from America:
It’s hard to classify Caucasian girls into one generalized stereotype, That is, until you get them into bed. If you have ever had sex with a white women from Germany or Ireland then you know that white women in America are totally different then white women from anywhere else....especially in the bedroom.They may be able to deliver a shriek-filled performance worthy of any Kayden Kross scene, but the truth is, unless she’s in the adult film industry or just got her duel citzenship, her talents are best served on Facebook.
Filed Under: Comedy
Thursday, August 23rd 2012
5 THINGS THAT WOMEN FIND ATTRACTIVE ABOUT MEN!
Even if you have the Ferrari keychain dangling from your waist and a Brioni blazer sitting across the shoulders, you are still light years away from being the man. The exterior is cute and all, but that is hardly what sustains your relationships over the years. That’s just the top layer. You were who you were before you got there. What makes a man is the ability to handle himself as he should while under duress. Many will crack under pressure, but few are strong enough to endure the stress that comes with social, financial, professional, and sexual success.
5. Handle your emotions with care:
If we had a cube of ice for every time we saw or overheard some guy whining on the phone about the current actions of his lover, global warming would come to and end. Not only does it make you look like a pussy to both your girlfriend and everyone else in your surrounding area but, it also is a complete turn off to whoever it is you are expecting to catch your tears on the other end of the line. The man pulling this whine and moan tactic is only doing so because he has some hope that his lover will feel sympathy for him. And though she may sometimes entertain your cries, she will likely begin to consider texting your replacement the moment you hang up the phone. Lets take a look at an example: Guy A and Guy B both have dates set up for tonight with their current girlfriend. Both guys put heavy planning and thought into the date for tonight, and then suddenly an hour before the date is suppose to take off, the girlfriends call and say they can’t make it because they don’t feel up to going anymore. Guy A begs and pleads that he girlfriend change her mind; ” Baby please!, I put someone much thought and planning into the date. You have to make it, I’m going to be disappointed and everything will be ruined”. After ten minutes of begging his girlfriend reluctantly agrees, causing the night out to be forced, phony and awkward. Would you honestly enjoy spending your time with someone who had to be forced into hanging out with you? On the other hand, Guy B responds to the cancelled date by saying ” Its cool, Babe. Call me when you feel better.” This not only makes him appear caring and understanding, but she will also be worrying about what it is he is going to be getting into tonight. She may also consider changing her mind because he seemed so nonchalant about it; she will likely be wondering what he will be doing as a result to not spending the night with her. That mystery in itself is compelling enough to persuade anyone, but even if it doesn’t, you still come across as altruistic boyfriend, which is and obvious win win situation. This all goes to say, be slow to react when it comes to negativity or outcomes that are out of your control. No one wants to be around someone that depending on them for happiness; be you’re own well of happiness and you will enjoy life no matter what is going on in your life.
4. Be Honest:
Thomas Jefferson once said, “Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom,” and this seems to be the primary roadblock that men seem to crash into when women are involved. For some reason we have begun to feel like we aren’t good enough, like what we are striving for or what we have accomplished isn’t worthy. This results in many men lying in order to make themselves feel secure around women who in all reality just wants to be shown a good time. Your imaginative seven figure salary is bound to blow up in your face eventually. What happens when its time for the woman to come back to your place? To be picked up in your car? The embarrassment when faced with exposed as being a fraud has never seemed worth it to me. Instead, why don’t you try being genuine? A woman is also just as attracted to a man that has grandiose aspirations as she is to a man that has already conquered his life journey. We all haven’t made it to our financial pinnacle just yet, and pretending only makes you appear like a fool. Accept yourself for what you have already accomplished and work toward bigger goals. Also, be honest about what your intentions are with any woman you plan on dating. No one wants a broken heart and no one wants to deal with the stress coming from the other end. Make being an honest man a key attribute in your character and you will acquire more friends than you ever thought possible.
3. Be Decisive:
You know those people that can never seem to figure out what it is that they want on the dinner menu? The people that ask for your opinion on every decision they want to make in their lives. Ever find yourself in this quarrel with the opposite sex? ” What do you want for lunch” … ” I don’t know, what do you want”.. ” I’ll eat whatever you choose.” The attractive men are the men who are the leaders of the group and leaders are decisive. They know what it is they want and they know when they want it. Whether it is they want out of a relationship or what they want out of their career; attractive men know exactly that. A man that is indecisive has a shaky foundation, and nothing long lasting can be built upon a foundation that isn’t sturdy. Come to terms with what it is you want out of life and accept nothing less than it; strive for it, work toward with it every ounce of life you have inside, and people that aren’t sure of what they want will get behind you and help you achieve your goals, women and men alike.
2. Believe in yourself:
When you wake up in the morning and look into the mirror, what is it that you see? Do you see a sexy and indestructible man, or do you see an ugly weakling? What many men don’t seem to grasp is this: if you don’t find yourself attractive, how do you expect anyone else to? Confidence is the most attractive quality anyone can possess. I can name a plethora of men that are less attractive than Chris Farley who are getting laid more than clean bed spreads. You have the power to achieve anything you set your mind too, believing in yourself and taking action is the only way to get there. If you are insecure about your weight, then get into the gym. If you don’t like your hair, then get a new hair cut. But don’t make these things your excuse for not getting laid. People are often too self absorbed to care about your shortcomings anyway. Think about it. How many unattractive people do you remember seeing today? I bet you couldn’t point out a single one in a line up for a million dollars. No one cares about what you look like, and you wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.
1. Express your sexuality:
If you are one of the guys that clam up and become uncomfortable discussing your sexuality in a group, women will be turned off. Sex is something natural, and therefore it is nothing you should be ashamed of. The men that get laid the most are the men who are confident in their sexuality and don’t mind leading and beginning sexual conversations. Lets face it, if you want to have sex, sexuality has to be expressed. And the more comfortable you are with the concept of sex, the more comfortable women will be around you when sex is involved. Now don’t be the immature guy that somehow manages to turn every statement into something sexual. Just be able to calmly and casually express yourself whenever sex is the subject.
Filed Under: Fashion
Thursday, August 23rd 2012
MAJOR LEAGUE PITCHER BARTOLO COLON SUSPENDED 50 GAMES AFTER TESTING POSITIVE FOR PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS!
Oakland Athletics’ right-handed pitcher Bartolo Colon has been suspended 50 games for testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs. Major League Baseball announced the suspension Wednesday for the 39-year-old Colon, who was in the midst of a rebound season with a 10-9 record and 3.43 ERA for the wild-card contender. “I apologize to the fans, to my teammates and to the Oakland A’s. I accept responsibility for my actions and I will serve my suspension as required by the Joint Drug Program,” Colon said in a statement released through the MLBPA. Colon did not pitch in 2010 but he underwent stem-cell treatment on his pitching shoulder and elbow and returned to make 26 starts with the New York Yankees last season. Colon was 8-10 with a 4.00 ERA. Colon’s suspension was the second 50-game ban handed down by baseball in the past week. Giants’ All-Star outfielder Melky Cabrera was suspended 50 games for testing positive for testosterone last week. Colon signed a one-year, $2 million contract with the Athletics, his seventh Major League team — he had two stints with the Chicago White Sox — since entering the league with the Cleveland Indians in 1997. Cleveland signed him as a free agent in 1993 out of the Dominican Republic. He has a career record of 171-122 and a 4.05 ERA.
Filed Under: Sports
Thursday, August 23rd 2012
LOVING YOU NO MORE! JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE SELLNG NEW YORK BACHELOR PAD!
Now that he's going to get married to fiancee Jessica Biel, Justin Timberlake seems to think that there's no need for him to keep his bachelor pad in New York. The boybander-turned-actor has put on sale the apartment located in Soho Mews building at 311 West Broadway. The former member of NSYNC purchased the property for $6.56 million in 2010, and now sells it for $7.65 million. The penthouse boasts three bedrooms and three-and-a-half bathrooms, and has a private outdoor wrap terrace with stunning views of the Manhattan skyline. Justin, 31, and Jessica, 30, were revealed getting engaged early this year after dating on and off for more than four years. The couple was recently reported tying the knot quietly in Wyoming, but the wedding rumor was quickly denied by a family member.
Filed Under: Movies
Wednesday, August 22nd 2012
WHY WOMEN THINK MEN SUCK!
Why Women Think Men Suck:
Guys, I’m sure every single one of you can write an article just as long as this one, if not longer, about how women are the “scum between your toes”. You know what, I can even write a few articles about how awful women are. As a matter of fact, I have on multiple occasions, but that’s beside the point. The point, of this article is for me to express my personal feelings of disdain towards the male population. I’m sure there are millions of guys out there who are more than worthy of my time and devotion, but right now, I’m having trouble finding any. Right now, I only seem to be meeting the shit heads. The guys who seem to be appealing at first glance, appear to be respectable from the first few conversations, and then fuck it all up.
Guys Only Think With Their Dicks:
Like that’s it. Sex is the only thing that men care about. I used to be naïve enough to think that men would only put in so much effort to a girl that they only want to have sex with. I thought that after two weeks or so a guy would for sure give up on the girl and move onto the next one. I always thought that there were plenty of whores to go around for everyone and then some, but recently I’ve come to realize that some guys will put in several months of work in attempt to sleep with a girl. Girls always think that if a guy is talking to her night and day for several months that he actually likes her; he probably told her once or twice that he did. Because of this, the girl will sleep with said guy. Guys are getting smart enough that they’ll talk to the girl in normal fashion for a week or two after the sex to make it seem like he is actually interested. Then…. Shit changes. He stops calling you baby; he stops making so much of an effort. What a con artist. I thought that behavior like this was only common to a small percentage of assholes, but no! Apparently, a lot of fucking guys are like this. Turns out I work with half of them. Blows my mind.
Say Stuff They Don’t Mean Then Call Women Crazy:
It’s at this point that the girl gets worried. This guy that she has been wasting her time on for a while, developing feelings for, is acting differently. Was it something she said? Was it something she did? Nope, turns out you were only wanted for one thing. No no no, it can’t be that. He put in so much effort, he wasted hours and hours of his time developing a connection with you. He wouldn’t do that just for sex. Nope, you’re wrong. He would, and he did. This is also the point where the guy complains to his friends: “This girl won’t leave me alone she like keeps asking me what’s wrong and wants to hang out with me, I just wanted to fuck her doesn’t she get that?” No, the girl isn’t going to get that, because you told her that you liked her! You say things you don’t mean, and then you call the girl crazy when things changed? I don’t get it, do you get it?
They Care What Their Boys Think Of Them:
I can only assume that guys do this for several reasons. One of which being that they genuinely care what their friends’ think of them. Yes, you’re an amazing girl. You are completely willing to cook this guy dinner naked with just an apron on every night. What isn’t there to love? The thing is, the guy realizes this, he is just completely influenced by his surroundings. His friends want him to be single so that he can accompany them on outings to pick up more girls. Society thinks that he’s too young to settle down with one person. I’m just going to stop here. I can go on and on about why men suck for hours and hours, days and days, but the truth is, I love men. They’re so much fun, and I just get along with them better. I’m clearly talking about an isolated instance here, but ladies, if you relate (I know there’s at least a few of you out there who do) you’ll appreciate my bitching.
Filed Under: Comedy
